Conversation skills

How to Be a Better Conversationalist: Ask, Listen, Share

October 8, 2026 · 6 min read

Being good at conversation has less to do with having great stories than most people think. The people others enjoy talking to tend to do a few simple things well: they ask about what you just said, they show they’re listening, and they give a little of themselves back.

Here are seven habits that make conversations better, the research behind them, and what changes when you’re talking over video.

1. Ask about what they just said

In a 2017 study, Harvard researchers analyzed real conversations between strangers, online and face to face. People who asked more questions were liked more, and one kind of question did most of the work: the follow-up, a question about something the other person had just said.

Follow-ups work because they prove you heard. Compare two replies to “Good, I went hiking.” One is “Nice. So what do you do for work?” The other is “Where did you go?” The second keeps the thread going and tells them you were listening.

Listen for the detail someone lingers on, a feeling word or a laugh. “I moved here for work, which was a whole saga.” That’s the part worth asking about: “A saga? What happened?”

“Wait, how did that happen?”

“What made you pick that one?”

“What was the best part?”

“How did it turn out?”

2. Show that you understood

In the same 2017 research, what made question-askers likable was responsiveness: the sense that they were listening, understood, and cared. Sometimes the best way to show that isn’t another question.

If someone is describing a rough week, “That sounds exhausting” does more than asking for another detail. Or check that you got it right: “So the move was exciting, but finding a place was a nightmare?” Keep it natural. You don’t need to repeat everything back.

Listening this way also stops you from planning your next line while they’re still talking, which is one of the most common ways conversations go flat.

4. Go one step deeper than small talk

Small talk has its place, but you can often go further than you’d guess. In a series of experiments published in 2022 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, strangers were asked to try deeper conversations. People expected them to be more awkward than they turned out to be, underestimated how interested the other person would be, and felt more connected afterwards than they did after shallow chats.

One step deeper doesn’t mean confessions. It means a question with a bit more room in it:

“What’s been the best part of your week?” instead of “How’s your week?”

“What do you like about living there?” instead of “Where do you live?”

“What got you into that?” instead of “How long have you done that?”

If they give a short answer or steer back to lighter topics, follow their lead. A good question is one they’re comfortable answering.

5. Don’t rush to fill silences

A short silence can feel much longer than it is, especially when you’re worried about what to say next. Give the other person a moment to think. Some of the best answers come after a pause.

On video, pauses are harder to judge, because even small transmission delays slow down turn-taking. Leave a beat before you jump in, so you don’t keep talking over each other.

6. Make your listening visible, especially on video

In person, people pick up a lot from small signals: a nod, a laugh, a lean forward. On a video call you’re a head and shoulders in a window, so those signals need to be a little bigger and a little more frequent.

Let your reactions show: nod, smile, laugh when something’s funny. On video they need to be easy to see.
Use short spoken reactions like “right,” “oh no” and “ha,” but keep them brief so they don’t cut the other person off when there’s lag.
Look at the call, not at another tab. People notice when your eyes keep drifting to the same corner.
For eye contact and other camera habits, see our guide to reading body language on a video call.

7. Remember you’re probably doing better than you think

After a conversation, it’s common to replay the awkward bits. A 2018 study in Psychological Science gave the result a name, the liking gap: across studies of strangers and new acquaintances, people consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company.

So if a chat felt a little clumsy, don’t assume the other person saw it the same way. In these studies, partners usually liked people more than those people guessed.

Habits that make conversations worse

The interview. Rapid-fire questions with nothing shared back.
The one-up. Answering their story with a bigger one.
The quick fix. Advice nobody asked for. If you’re not sure, ask: “Do you want ideas, or just to vent?”
The waiting game. Nodding along while you rehearse your next line.

Quick questions

What makes someone a good conversationalist?

Mostly listening habits: asking follow-up questions, showing they’re paying attention and sharing something back. Research on real conversations finds that people who ask more follow-up questions are liked more.

How can I be a better conversationalist if I’m shy?

Lean on questions. A good follow-up takes the pressure off you and keeps the conversation moving, and you can share small things about yourself as you get more comfortable.

How do I listen better in a conversation?

Focus on what the other person means, not on what you’ll say next. Ask when something isn’t clear, and respond to their point before adding your own.

What is a good follow-up question?

A question about something the person just said, such as “What happened next?”, “How did you get into that?” or “What was the best part?”

Is it okay to have silences in a conversation?

Yes. Short pauses are normal and give people time to think. On video, waiting a beat also helps you avoid talking over each other.

Try one habit on someone new

You can practice these habits in any conversation, and a call with someone new is a low-stakes place to start. Pick one, like asking a single follow-up question, and try it on your next call on CamSurf.

Start a video chat